It's been increasingly difficult for me to blog right now. I have been doing a little bit of creating, however getting the posts up has been taxing. Your health has deteriorated quite quickly and blogging just feels trivial at the moment. On the other hand, it has been so therapeutic for me over the years that I feel torn at the moment. Torn, sad, angry, anxious.
I wanted to share a few pictures that I have taken over the past few weeks. Tender moments; memories that will be forever etched in my heart. So many thoughts are taking space in my mind. Feeling guilty because at times I should have been nicer, more patient, less frustrated. Thinking about how I used to get annoyed when you'd want to engage in conversation early in the morning. You are a morning person, I am not. It's hard knowing that I will miss the things that once annoyed me.
I'll be wishing to hear your humming and singing just once more. We sang together the other night; you off key, your toes tapping under the blanket. We sang and laughed and cried. We sang snippets of the songs that played on the 8 track cassettes on Sunday drives when I was little. I think it did all of our hearts good. I promise you that I will still sing for you; loud enough for all our ancestors to hear. I know I will feel you humming right along with me, albeit in my heart.
Your "bestest buddy" has not wanted to leave your side the last few days. She knows it wont be long now and like us, is cherishing the little moments that make good memories.
I always questioned unconditional love. Why? Because I viewed it as a "new agey" phenomena where one would be all accepting, all the time. Through this difficult journey I have learned.
Unconditional Love doesn't mean every moment is tender nor a perfectly loving dynamic. Being Human means that sometimes words will be harsh. Perhaps there are times that you don't even like the one that you love very much.True love doesn't necessarily require perseverance, it just simply perseveres. It's not deliberate or orchestrated, it transpires naturally. You do what you do, not because you have to; you just do. Is it an innate response? I don't necessarily think so. I believe what I'm witnessing is unconditional love. There are no long conversations to make amends, no apologies; just a sense of knowing and feeling that all is okay amongst yourselves. I also believe that it is through the most difficult tests and experiences that we continue to grow.
I think today I'll make your Father's Day card. Today will be Father's Day. Were you the greatest Dad ever? Perhaps not, but perhaps so. Does that really matter? You are my Father, your blood runs through my veins. I am a part of you and you are forever in my heart regardless of whether you stand beside me or watch down from above.
You made a difference, you guided and influenced; probably more than you'll ever realize.
Such a strong man; a go getter. Stubborn, strong willed. Like a sturdy oak. It seemed that nothing would get you down. Even when you weren't feeling well, you kept that part of yourself to yourself. It is heartbreaking to watch you grow wearier with each passing moment, your branches weakening; leaves falling one by one as you near your winter.
I pray you fall into a peaceful slumber; Creator cradling you as you are emancipated from your pain and suffering. The hurting tears transformed to tears of joy knowing that you can rest.
I need you to know that we will be okay Dad. We'll be okay knowing that you are okay